TO MY DEAREST JC

I bet you were offended when I said I feel alone when you were actually there. Guess you don’t like it too when I say I wanna be alone, well I can never hide from you anyway.

Why is it that you never get tired when I tell you the stories of injustices I experience, when I wet my bed because I cry, with all my dramas? If I were another person, I would slap myself for acting up.

You walk me always home, and from home.

You watch me sleep, and not sleep.

Your letters never failed to calm me.

No one has ever spoken to me as blunt as you, as loving as you and as powerful as you. Thank you, because the only way you could hurt me is when you want me to learn a lesson that I refuse, and your words stab my heart. You hurt me because you love me. When you talk to me it’s like my world is crumbling down and building up at the same time.

I can imagine how you smile like a proud friend when I am happy to tell how beautiful my day has turned out and you hope to always see me like that right? But I am not always like that, so does that sadden you?

You always tell me of how beautiful life can be, how astonishing sunset is, how wide the sky is and how it looks stunning when glittered with stars, that’s why I am ashamed to tell you how I still feel bad at times.

You taught me to forgive when people don’t actually ask for it. You also taught me to ask for forgiveness because I can’t forgive.

You said that I am very important, but you also reminded me that not at any point I am more important than anyone.

You taught me not to get mad when I am actually very angry, and you want me to love people when I actually hate them. I wanted to hang up instead but you said it’s a great accomplishment to love people when I don’t understand why I should be, I am not very lovable as well I admit.

It’s just with you that I can look wounded and not care.

It’s just with you that I can be careless with my words.

It’s just with you than I don’t have to pretend that I am strong, because I really am not.

I don’t have to fake smiles with you.

It’s just with you that when I’m asked if I’m okay, I’ll answer, not really.

You are the friend that can never ever betray.

You witnessed all my sobbing but you were quiet, that’s what I needed, someone to be there, just listening not saying anything for the moment.

I already set up healthy boundaries like you advised, so that I can avoid disappointments. I am excited to wake up every morning now, expecting less from people, hoping all the best from you. You said you’re gonna help me to prepare for greater inward battles, you said not just prepare, but you’ll go with me.

You understand me, you accept me everyday.

You smother me with your love.

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I don’t know who to trust now but I do still trust.

It was dark, and the world cannot encourage me, but you did.