In 2017, I died.

I am still hesitant to write about this but I'm just very much tired of masking myself strong.

When I was 23, living and working in Makati, I felt like it was totally, nothing. It felt nothing. I feel nothing. I was not used of that, it was a foreign feeling. I've managed to handle a lot of life-changing moments in my life, but this was different. I was sure of one thing, everything that happened in the past made a comeback to my life but this time as one monstrous force. 

I was walking myself everyday in a rush just to get to the terminal to avoid long queue and traffic jams when I felt this is not right. I don't feel right. I've decided to tell my two friends about it because I couldn't handle it well but didn't really like the response. I felt stupid for saying it.

I assumed a reason, maybe my work and not being able to rest well for that particular era of my life. I was physically drained. It reflected on my body, my face and everything. And so I quit my job and returned to Pampanga. I was not employed for 4 months but had a sideline. And it started getting worse. 

After I came back to Pampanga, everyday, every single day, I can't put myself to sleep. 5am I'm still awake but pretending I was sleeping because I have roommates. I was looking so horrible. I swear.

I can't brush my teeth. 

I can't take a shower. 

I can't fix myself. 

I can't get out of my bed.

I can't do things.

I started messing up relationships. I started not replying to messages and calls.

I was stupid. 

I lost important people. 

I lost important moments. 

But why?

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I was only 23 but I felt very tired. 

In 2017, I died.
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But what killed me? 

I felt like I was living in a world and I see things that people don't, I see how things work, how they really are but people can't and it frustrates me.

People are laughing about things that they supposed to hate. 

People are happy about talking nonsense things. 

I couldn't stand it. 

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There's a monster under my bed, and it's called depression. I am depressed, and I have depression. 

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And I feel so ashamed of it. Before depression came to limelight last year, which killed a lot of people. I have been battling against it. I even went to see a pdoc but didn't help me well.

I was taking antidepressants, to calm and put myself to sleep. I had anxiety attacks. My forehead starts aching everyday. I was crying all day. Everyday. I'm crying while dressing up, while brushing my teeth, while eating, while driving, it doesn't matter where or what am I doing. 

I thought I was going crazy. 

It was very uncomfortable because the society is talking about it. 

I am so ashamed of it because I am a Bornagain Christian. I am not supposed to feel this way because I have Christ in me. 

Of all the people, I am less likely the person who'll suffer from it. That's how they see me, I think. 
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"How many suicide does it take for people to realize that the shit they say hurts?"
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When Jonghyun died, a band member of a kpop group which I don't know very well but happened to watch him a week before he committed a suicide, I was enraged. 

I thought, that was unfair. 

It was unfair because I was fighting really hard and he gave in.
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That season of my life, I cried everyday. Many times in a day. 

I wanted to end me. 

I wanted to end me. 

I wanna end me so bad. 

But I didn't harm myself. I couldn't do it. Because my "common sense" is at work with my spirit. 

I wished some truck to accidentally hit me. 

I wished that some kind of gunman fires his gun but instead I will be the one to get hit. 

These are my thoughts because I can't take my own life. Even if I wanted so bad. 

This life on earth is a curse. 

I wished I was never born. I wished I didn’t exist. 

It's my curse to feel things so very deeply and to see things how they really are. 

People are blinded, they can't see that they are running in circles. They don't know they are under a curse because they try to make things look happy in social media. When in fact, it's not. 
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November 2017, I was about to get hired but I was not sure about it. 

Can I really work with this condition? 

Both I and a friend, we were hired at the same time.

The hardest part about it is that I felt so pressured. People at work just see how high functioning I am, but not the struggle to "just even function."

I struggled so much at work. People at work were so vibrant, happy and energetic and I couldn't simply keep up. I felt so down. I often go to the comfort room to just cry, wipe it out and get back to work. The team kept on getting bigger, and I kept on struggling more on how to deal with the quick changes. 

I know some people thought I was very cold, but I was not. I am just not okay. 
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Everyday I would wake up 4am in the morning and I don't know where to steal the strength to just go through the day. It was scary not to know how I would I live a day. 

It was so hard, that you all can't imagine how hard it is to just finish a day alive. 
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One time, I had a one on one meeting with my boss. And he asked me how am I doing. 

"At work? Or.."

"In general."

I looked at him and bursted into tears. And I said, "I am honestly not okay," and I couldn't say a word anymore. 

I was very sad, and very lonely. 

I felt so alone, because I couldn't talk about this to anyone. Because people don't understand. And I don't want to bother people. 

I looked at him and in his eyes, tears are about to burst. I felt he knew exactly how I was feeling in that moment. My boss cried. He probably cried as much as I did. I was sobbing like a child. He then asked when was the last time I got a hug, I told him I can't really remember. So he stood up and hug me very tight. People who cry deserve a hug as he always says. 
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The thing about this monster under my bed called depression, it was too vague. It's indefinite. It's hard to see so it's hard to fix. 
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My life as Christian with depression is a continuous struggle up until now. I have a lot of work to do with myself. 

I kept myself distant with all issues happening in the church that time because I was unstable. I kept on rushing home after every service to purposely avoid people on asking how am I doing because I was afraid I'd breakdown. 

Standing in front, playing instruments in the ministry, singing songs that I hope I can relate with, it was the weight of the world in my shoulder. 

Oh God. 

It was the saddest birthday, Christmas and New Year. I stopped greeting people on those events until now, 2019.

I stopped talking to people, to my friends. 
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And they probably grew tired of reaching out as well. I understand. 
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Nothing else can surprise me. Nothing can disappoint me more, because I have reached the peak of disappointment. 

But I was wrong. 
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I am writing this blog because I want to formally step down on being a member of my current church.

I want to heal but I don't think I can heal in a place that is constantly reminding me of some things that make me feel so lonely.

I love this church so much. God knows how much I fought for this faith that resulted with my parents' salvation as well. 

You are my "almost" constants. 

I love you very much each and everyone of you. I am not just showy. Because I'm an awkward lover. 

And it kills me repeatedly to see how divided you guys all have been. How you have given up with each other. 

And I didn't know which truth to believe because you are all reliable to me. I am more than sad. 

I feel so alone. I feel so lonely. 

It does not make sense to me. 

I tried staying, but when I look at the pews and don't see many faces that I thought I would always see every weekends and it's killing me. It's killing every piece of me. 

I have to let it go. That I won't be able to have you all guys back altogether. And I probably have to go to my very own journey and to take my family's salvation to growth together with mine. It would be a lot, a lot, a lot more difficult but I have to step out, to be able to regain myself back.

I am very lonely. 

I feel like God really hates me so much.

He crushed me so much.
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In the end, I always hope you well.

8 years. It's so painful. 

Help me oh God.