BROKEN MINDED BUT NOT YET HOME
I am...so exhausted, again, or always I should say. The other night I was crying real hard asking myself, "Is this the reality of life?"
Just when I'm one step ahead of what I'm trying to move forward from, that night, I got pushed thousand steps back, again, and again.
I'm not sure if I was just having my regular anxiety attacks or was it a heartburn because of my hilarious caloric-deficit-motivated meals, but hundred times this year I thought of quitting my job because I don't think I can perform well.
I asked our EA the other day if she has booked our flights already for our business trip because if she hasn't, I was going to make a resignation letter that day, but she did book the flights already. She saved me from making a very careless move. I wanted to do crazy stuff like going on AWOL just because being mentally exhausted does not qualify you for this freaking sick leaves, but I never did that. Doing the right is always my priority even though I can't do it most of times. I do amaze myself sometimes of how stronger I am more than I think. I like what I do at work, and the way people recognise your hardwork, but recognised hardwork does not make a person happy. I'm not happy because I'm just not happy in general.
My mind is so broken, but I hate how high functioning I am. I would be feeling just fine 9 in the morning but feeling extremely not 30 minutes later.
That's basically how I exist. Note on me using "exist" instead of "live." I don't consider myself alive.
I have always been a very sensitive, and I cannot stand people around me having small talks. I have so many heartaches I carry within my heart that people have said to me that I wanted to always bring up to them but I never did just because I don't want to give them difficulties sleeping at night. So might as well just keep it all to myself to be the only one to suffer. Nice.
I hope people can do me a small favour of being just a little bit gentle on speaking to me? Cause I barely breathe. And it's really hard to stay alive.
But they never understood that, never. How can they when I myself can't comprehend it.
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"You know what, I just really wanna move and live by the beach."
"You always say that but never did."
I will, one day, wait for that.
-
-
-
-
If He can't yet take me home, I will have to visit the mountains and the seas, to feel small and be consumed of how big He is, but I do hope He does take me home the soonest.
To the exhausted human beings there, cheers to the iced coffee that has made us well from time to time, or milk tea. Meh.
Just when I'm one step ahead of what I'm trying to move forward from, that night, I got pushed thousand steps back, again, and again.
I'm not sure if I was just having my regular anxiety attacks or was it a heartburn because of my hilarious caloric-deficit-motivated meals, but hundred times this year I thought of quitting my job because I don't think I can perform well.
I asked our EA the other day if she has booked our flights already for our business trip because if she hasn't, I was going to make a resignation letter that day, but she did book the flights already. She saved me from making a very careless move. I wanted to do crazy stuff like going on AWOL just because being mentally exhausted does not qualify you for this freaking sick leaves, but I never did that. Doing the right is always my priority even though I can't do it most of times. I do amaze myself sometimes of how stronger I am more than I think. I like what I do at work, and the way people recognise your hardwork, but recognised hardwork does not make a person happy. I'm not happy because I'm just not happy in general.
My mind is so broken, but I hate how high functioning I am. I would be feeling just fine 9 in the morning but feeling extremely not 30 minutes later.
That's basically how I exist. Note on me using "exist" instead of "live." I don't consider myself alive.
I have always been a very sensitive, and I cannot stand people around me having small talks. I have so many heartaches I carry within my heart that people have said to me that I wanted to always bring up to them but I never did just because I don't want to give them difficulties sleeping at night. So might as well just keep it all to myself to be the only one to suffer. Nice.
I hope people can do me a small favour of being just a little bit gentle on speaking to me? Cause I barely breathe. And it's really hard to stay alive.
But they never understood that, never. How can they when I myself can't comprehend it.
-
-
-
-
"You know what, I just really wanna move and live by the beach."
"You always say that but never did."
I will, one day, wait for that.
-
-
-
-
If He can't yet take me home, I will have to visit the mountains and the seas, to feel small and be consumed of how big He is, but I do hope He does take me home the soonest.
To the exhausted human beings there, cheers to the iced coffee that has made us well from time to time, or milk tea. Meh.
x
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