2019's Crossroad

I have strong fascinations about vastness. Take for example, the skies. The color of the skies every sunset is utterly amazing. I always ask myself, was blue and orange called complementary because of how well the skies wear it? God definitely did an excellent piece so science just wanna make it sound more scientific and called it "complementary colors" which is being exactly opposite of each on the color wheel.

I feel strange about myself all the time. It is so weird to be technical and be artistically inclined at the same time. I seek for reasons to understand things, but then just be amazed when I don't understand things. Weird.
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This year's totally insane. I found myself at a crossroad where I had to choose whether to stay and just continue to feel lost, or to leave but not sure if it's going to be better. I had to risk it all, after all I hit the very bottom already, I stayed there for quite a long time, and if I keep doing things the same way, there's no way it's changing.

I have to be the bigger person, even to myself.

I don't know what's more hurting, to be left or to be the one leaving.

I don't know what's scarier, to continue to give in or to give up.

I was left. And I left, as well.

I was hurt, and I have hurt as well.

My life was a total mess. Of course it didn't seem like that because Lady always has all things together, eh? For 3 years, the problem was just me, it was about me in the inside, but then some other things happened, my normal got snatched, the future I envisioned suddenly was not there anymore, and I didn't see life apart from that. So you can imagine how even lost I felt when I already was. I've been wanting God to throw me the towel, just let me surrender. That's it. It's over.
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No, it was not over.
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This, finally, is the light at the end of that tunnel. There are going to be a lot more tunnels ahead to enter but, I don't wanna think about those things now. What's important is now, because this is yesterday's future.

If God can use things to show how almighty He is, He certainly can use people as well.

People were there for me. The people that I tried to push away. People I didn't expect. People that I didn't like. To be fair, I didn't like humans. (including me)

And so basically this blogpost is just me thanking all the people who have helped me out. So here it is, if you think it's for you, then it's you.

**Thank you for being the first person to validate what I'm feeling, the first person to actually do something for me, the first person to actually give me hug after knowing, the first person who made me feel I was not alone. Recognise happiness. I have been living in world where the belief that I am nothing has been imposed to my system. It was true in a way, but they didn't realise how powerful words are, that I have looked at myself and was just so disappointed about me. But you have, once again, started to believe in me, that by the grace of God, I matter.

**Thank you for calming the storm at work. Thank you for sending me to rest. You make me feel like you're really a friend. 

**Thank you for not believing me when I say I'm okay so you try to be there. 

**Thank you for making extra effort to reach an annoying person like me who doesn't wanna get helped. These are the things I'm happy being corrected for.

**Thank you for sending me messages e almost everyday. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for loving me so much, I don't even understand why. 

**Thank you for taking the moon on my table because noone can't take me to the moon, it's way more beautiful, it calms me. You're right, when it's lit, I'm happy. And also, thanks for being the sun.

**Thank you for the huuuuuuuuugs! And for always checking in with me, for always saying bye to me first, and for doing lil things for me when you think I'm struggling, you consciously just know when I'm not okay, and I feel less lonely because of that. I just feel better when you're around, it just doesn't look like that, but I do mean it.

**Thank you for tagging me in every Facebook coffee posts, because I like it. I like to be the first person you think when you hear "coffee."

**Thank you for sending me photos of how the sky looks wherever you are. It means a lot to me. It makes me feel less distant knowing we live under the same sky. I like you so much.

**Thank you for the sandwiches your mum makes for you and then you give to me. Super healthy. You are so sweet.

**Thank you for always buying me a coffee when I feel very bad. And you always always make an effort to do things for me. You are one of the few person that I can pretend that I can't do things because you'll do them for me. Thank you for not agreeing with my complaints, I need a friend who doesn't always agree with me, because that's boring.

**Thank you for taking me to a high place, and for buying me latte, to watch how beautiful it is when the sky and the water meet. I feel bad that I can give back the same amount of love. I hope one day I'll learn to.

**Thank you for sharing "Unnies Slamdunk" to me, you're the reason why I'm into kpop now. I've watched it hundred times when I just can't live a day. I'm happy we are celebrating this year's Christmas. I feel like I'm transitioning into a "feeling" introvert, or maybe not coz I still hate some processes that do not make sense.
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I still have tons on my list, but I can't name everyone. I SWEAR, I have written you in my heart, forever.
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MOST IMPORTANTLY, I just wanna take this time to give a shoutout for all the wounded "soldiers" that are still fighting this holiday, my heart goes with you. You are a freaking legend! 

Wherever you are in the world, I am thinking about you right now. I swear I do.

God knows, trust me, I too know exactly how it feels to be struggling all throughout the season of celebration. It's terrifying. It's a lot more difficult than the normal struggling days.

I know you feel alone. You're not gonna believe me, but that's not true. 

One of the hardest part is that the pain just doesn't seem to cooperate, it hits you in the middle of a good laugh with friends and family, or while drinking your favourite coffee, or eating your favourite piece of cake, or just doing what you love to do. Sucks, eh? 

A person can feel alone even in the presence of everyone. Loneliness is felt whenever someone feels like he can't talk about his important things to anyone. BUT one day, you'll find one whom you can talk about these things. 

For the people who know someone who is struggling today, please check in with them. One thing I learned about this year is that, never ever refrain yourself from doing good just because you don't feel comfortable about it. JUST DO IT. 

Just do it!

Send them a message.

Give them a hug.

Stop saying "I'm always here for you" just do it, BE ACTUALLY THERE. 

Pray for them. I'm praying for your souls, warriors ❤️

Merry Christmas y'all. 

Love, Diana ☕