And then...

I’m afraid I will easily forget the depths of whatever God has done already in my life. That is why I write, because when I read them again, it flashes back memories. Memories that can’t be changed even if everything already has.

Few years from now, the seasons of my life, no matter how I stop it, will eventually change me. I am afraid to become someone I didn’t plan. Moving places, moving people, life gets going.

Today, I realized, I grew older.

Literally, I am considered an adult. At the age of 21, okay, turning 22, I haven’t done much but prepare myself for this real battlefield.

And though I see, so many people around me, so many people who actually support me, so many who actually believe in me, the battle is still between me, alone, with God and the world with the odds.

I am about to go out of my not-so-comfort zone.

I have so many plans.

I wanna write journals, not books I realized. Coz they are more personal. Driven by such emotions, I like it when things get personal, coz I love stories of life. I love listening to people, how they figure out their lives. How they ended up where they are now. I’m interested with every person’s story, I love making myself aware of why and how they react at things. I am a frustrated sociologist or pyschologist, whichever, I try to examine behaviors so it would be easy for me to reach out. Ha-ha.

I wanna draw. And paint.

I wanna design.

I wanna play instruments.

I wanna read books and build my own library.

I wanna travel, but not alone.

I wanna try archery.

I wanna eat spicy food.

I wanna drink mango shakes, the fresh one.

I wanna have coffee and have real talk with anybody, yep anyone.

I wanna try jumping off the cliff without dying.

I wanna do sports again.

I wanna stalk people.

I wanna stare at people sleeping.

I wanna write letters and give away them. Coz I have written so many letters, but have no guts to give them to whom I’ve written them. So sad, so I just threw them away for fear of someone in the house might have read them.

I wanna hug people.

I wanna tap them on shoulders.

I wanna squeeze arms of ‘em.

I wanna squeeze cheeks too, of my crushes.

I wanna tie neckties. I wanna tuck in too, or maybe I should just apply as nanny.

I don’t wanna cook and I see myself not cooking for the rest of my life. I will hire a personal chef when I get rich.

I wanna get a sunkissed skin tan. That orange tan. So latina!

I wanna poop for like an hour, coz it’s the nicest thing in the world that we are very able to do! Haha. It’s a stress reliever dont you think? Half of my life I planned down there doing that, seriously.

I wanna be friends with the best people in the world, well...I already am. One down.

I wanna fall in love with a man from God, and not just to every man of God around me.

I wanna be inside the church with my biological family, and with the family I already made there and we will all just worship the Lord.

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When I look back, I can’t remember how I was before. I tried. But I just can’t. Maybe, it’s one way of God saying, keep moving forward. You can stare but never contemplate in the past.

So now instead of remembering the difficulties and struggle I had heading where God is leading me, I am empowered, armored with every word of God and every Godly counsel, that no matter what, I will not give up. I am not giving up.

I maybe late on the time I set myself up to graduate on this college degree, but I’m very persuaded that I’m just on the perfect time table of God. 

I realized that, almost everything that I actually wanted and have prayed long time ago, God answered them yes now. I am so thankful and so blessed.

That’s why I listed the things that I wanna do, because I know, the Lord is not cosmic being wanting everything His way, though He can do that, and yeah everyhting is all up to His way, but He hears the prayer of His children, and it changes His heart.

They all say, it’s going to be a very challenging life living according to the will of God, yes it’s true, but I believe it’s going to be a very fulfilling life. It’s gonna be a roller coaster of emotions, but as long as I take hold of the promises God, I am assured. I’m dreaded in many ways but I am very determined that I am not a thinned skin anymore.

Basically this blogpost is about me talking to myself.

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“If the fruit of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control accdg. Galatians 5:22) is absent, how sure are you that the Holy Spirit is present?”

And then...the next chapter of life is the real attitude test.

In all honesty,

Lady Diana