Day 1 of 2021, Holiday Blues

I usually write posts before the year end to sum up everything that has happened and things I've learnt but couldn't bring myself to do that. I think I'm having another holiday blues. Last year's Christmas holiday was the first good one in a long time but this year's seems to be quiet, and I felt some discomfort within me.

As I check my calendar for the remaining days of my holiday off, it felt strange that it looks like it was short and that it didn't reach my certain expectations for this Christmas shutdown.

2020 has been a very tough year for everyone. We've struggled financially, emotionally and mentally. A lot of people we know have died. A lot of friends have been mourning...til the very last day of it. 

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Yesterday, December 31, I've received the news that our churchmate has passed away.

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How can we celebrate now?

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I was confused on whether I felt sad that she has left her family and us or I just felt envious because she's now finally rested. God knows how much I wanted the latter so much if I have a choice. I have been trying to convince God to extend the lives of those who want to live longer rather than someone like me who wants otherwise, but well, He is God after all, we can't influence Him.

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Last night was my last cry for the year, I felt sad and scared. But I couldn't deny the fact that she is in a better place, so we must go on.

How do we begin again after that? It's not even the struggle to believe that we can start anew today, but it's...Oh God, I'm tired. We're tired. 

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"I'm only 23, but I'm tired." I remember saying this 4 years ago. It's not me just persevering but more of God preserving me though I constantly struggle to find that real rest, I know God has been graciously giving me rest that goes unnoticed, because if not for God, how do I make it everyday? Merely human strength can't do that, not for a long time.

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I pray this year, Lord, that I would discover all the lessons of why 2020 has turned out like that. I pray that I become more gracious to people, generous to people in need and seemingly not. I pray for strength so I can once again be there for people that will be needing me. I pray that you increase my faith so I can trust you more. 

Lord, there is "something" that feels so much within me and I couldn't fathom what is it. It tends to feel uncontrollable most of the time. It can make me happy and it can make me very sad sometimes. It can mask itself into something so good and something so bad and scary at the same time as well. Teach me to feed "this" with what is noble in your eyes, so that only good fruits will come out of it.

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This 2021, we will continue to hope.