Do I really wanna hear God?

 

When I think about it, the things that cause so much anxieties in my life are also the same things that give me direction in life, and then I look at my life without those, I, sometimes, feel lost as well as I don't know what else should I be doing apart from them. 

I constantly battle on leaving and staying, persevering and starting anew, good and better, because I am afraid of regrets. I didn't realise that I am not contented in my weaknesses, and so I struggle each day to work on them, and fail every single day as well. I didn't accept them and I saw myself unconsciously aiming for perfection to feel safe but found it was not right. I thought I can always go for calculated risks, but this time, my choices will completely change things, life and me. 

Each day that passes by, I am pressuring myself to make a choice, a better one. But, could staying still, could pausing, could waiting really gives me the answer? Or was it me who creates the answer?

Couldn't it be, that when I have chosen, whichever, that's what God has ordained?

I wanna know God's what, what's right for me?

When, when is happening on my life?

How, how is it happening on my life?

Sometimes, when I read the Old Testament Scriptures, I wonder, was it an advantage for men, these days, that he cannot hear God literally? The children of God have so much freedom these days to do what they want and use that as an excuse to be complacent in the ministry but in the ancient times, God commands things and speak to people literally, and His people must carry out His plan. Tough, eh. 

But, I do really, still wanna hear what exactly does He want me to do.

Okay then, but can I do it?