"Do you sometimes ask yourself if it's worth it?"
This, I randomly asked someone.
I received a reply a few minutes, not with a "huh?" but with a "everytime..."
It's crazy, this thing called service can never just be paid off with mere appreciation.
It has to give a sense of fulfillment, a meaningful life, a purpose served and a hope to a better future.
But if, these things aren't there, you often will ask yourself with a, "Is this worth it?"
It feels suffocating to think it won't wait for us to renew, you go with the flow.
It's getting higher and higher, and them weaker and weaker.
"Thought it was manageable because when I see you, you look fine, and good... Didn't realise you were just good at carrying yourself properly"
I looked fine at my worst? I'm scared of myself if this is true.
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I am sitting on the floor, just beside my bed, staring at my suitcase thinking, "What if I disappear and not tell anyone?"
ALWAYS. The question is sometimes paraphrased to "What was all that for?"
ReplyDeleteWe, humans, as it's in our nature, are always in search for happiness, a better life, growth, and many other things that will give us a sense of fulfillment. We often do something with our eyes set on these goals. There are times we put in a lot of time and effort and get exhausted. What's wrong with that? Nothing, but you know what we usually do when that happens? Instead of giving ourselves a break we deserve for all the hard work, we tend to punish ourselves thinking that we are weak, a failure, and not meant for the job. Sometimes we blame other people or the world for how things go. Sometimes we even question God - we lose our trust in Him.
I used to think that way. One day, I woke up and realized I guess that's how we are created by God. I am not saying we can use this as an excuse whenever we make mistakes. What I am saying is we have to accept that we are humans with flaws and weaknesses. The Bible says we have to try to be like God because we are His children. We can only try, but it doesn't mean we cannot fail.
FAILURE. Who never had them? My father died at his job a couple of years ago. The day before he died, he had promised to come by and treat my poor brother's kids to their favorite ice cream. They were poor and relied on my father financially. My brother didn't have a job, so he couldn't provide for his family. My father died at work trying to earn for them. Where was I? I had no idea what was going on. I blamed my brother. I blamed my mother. I blamed myself most of all.
I always ask God what my father's purpose in life was. "Lord my father died without experiencing the good life you promised him. What was all his suffering for?" I cried every night even in my sleep. Then God replied, "He lived a good life. What kind of life did you want him to have?"
I realized the good life I was asking God about was the life which I failed to give my father. The Lord said, "Do you remember how crowded your home was at his funeral? Do you remember how his friends talked about him? Do you remember the pastor said he accepted me and salvation at Bible studies? He lived the life he wanted. He lived a good life."
I guess what I'm trying to say is we sometimes think it's not worth it, but it always is.
I appreciate you taking your time to write this in response to me. However, the thing I was referring with my story was mainly my secular job, (and yes, at the back of my mind, the ministry God is calling me to do) but your story made me remember how this secular job is also my pulpit in life, and that using this to serve other people is just the same as me singing a song in the church. I hope, you too, get to live the "good life" God wants you to have, I pray that for myself as well.
DeleteThank you for this, whoever you are ❤️